You have probably experienced the same issue at least once when you stand on your pathway of life and all of a sudden you are in front of a fork with three turnoffs and each turnoff opens different big doors for your future yet only one of them will lead you to fulfill your dream but it's hard and you know it's not really feasible because:
I'm torn between decisions of what I can do with my life or how I will go on. One is for sure, all the pathways I have to choose from will lead me to a different ending yet they all have the same in common, namely arts. I want to progress, want to do bigger things, want to jump out of the box in which I am stuck in right now. The world is such a large place with so many possibilities opened for me yet I somehow can't reach them as there is always something that stands in between my dreams and the resulting plans to fulfill those.
Since longer than a year, I simply jumped off all formalities and supports from the state and made myself become a fulltime freelance artist. It's a very hard job for very less money and I only can go on with this as long as my current lifestyle doesn't deviate and throws me out back into the real hard life where every penny needs to be turned three times before the decision to spend it can be made. I can't afford a health insurance as they are way too overpriced for freelancers and independent people and even though I always promise myself to get this problem fixed, I always have to step back in fear because of all the enormous costs that would rip me open. I wish there was a better solution in Germany for being insured for a cheap price because everyone should be able and also willing to have one.
The work I am doing for my commissioners are part of my passion and part of my survival. I love doing them and always try depicting your characters and ideas the best I can yet I tear my butt open not to fear that my account gets emptier until I have nothing left.
I have also become a fulltime workaholic, always thinking, always planning, organizing, being able to be creative at the push of a button and being able to kick my butt when muse and inspiration is overwhelming me to do other things than commissions for example doing personal artworks.
The only thing which I absolutely appreciate and love with this lifestyle is that I can plan myself free days off whenever something is up or when an event is going to take place somewhere. I can also work whereever I want. Some commissions have been painted underneath a tree on a mossy forest ground with some little bites to eat and music, for example.
This pathway would be the one going straight on. If I would simply walk straight on this pathway, who knows when I will find the next fork with open possibilities again?
One of the turnoffs looks very pleasant and smooth yet I would have to do what I actually despise: for that plan, I would need to try getting support money from the state to finance myself a flat in a city and get my portfolio and application done for next year's University course of Communication Design as applying at that school takes many steps and several months until the decision has been made to take me for an entrance test. This pathway is connected with losing my current lifestyle and many other risks.
I don't want to become a puppet of the state, don't want to be bound yet I want to go on somehow.
A good thing is that I will be able to have my own flat together with my mate and we both would study. I would partially have back my complete independence by giving away what I'm doing here right now.
The last turnoff is very broad, extremely long and shows me many large walls which need to be overmastered before I can be able to walk on the very brittly and sharp ground. There is a door which opens up the fulfillment of my dream. Entertainment Design.
You probably wouldn't believe this when you had a short peek into my gallery but my very hidden dream, which I'm trying to oppress because of the near impossibility, is to work for the game industry, film industry and overall entertainment. That turnoff leads to America, which is very extremely far away. Other than my other possibilities, this one is the very hardest yet the one which offers everything I wanted to do, ever. That would be a journey that needs to be planned thoroughly and well to make the last steps, going to the one school of which I am talking about, a lot smoother.
Of course, as everything, this is connected to a hell of a lot of money which people would only be able to afford if they either have a scholarship, a student loan or very rich parents.
Not only that I stand in front of a big wall marked with a massive Dollar symbol, I would need to leave really everything behind, if worst, my mate because he probably wouldn't be up for this or wouldn't be able to come along. My inspiration and my muse is just healthy when my heart really is happy, too, which it is right now. Yet I know that I might miss a wonderful opportunity to make a dream come true, to make something out of my art and to give me the feeling I actually can reach something big in my life.
I feel like I stand in that turnoff and look back to my current patway and sometimes peek over the other one. Yet whenever I'm trying to take a step forwards, I go one back. My head is filled and heavy. I always have a high feeling of enthusiasm followed by a deep feeling of doubt.
This is why I feel torn and I have to decide quick as there is nobody who can stop the time.
Maybe when I came to a better plan which might be feasible for me, I won't feel that way anymore.
Until the decision has been made, I will stay and enjoy what I usually do.
Dwelling and drawing.
